Highlights.

Hello again you lovely lot!

How is your year going? I can’t believe it’s almost Easter already! It seems the older you become, hours tick by like minutes. Things you did a week ago, seem like they were just yesterday. Months go by in what feels like a matter of weeks.  There’s just not enough time anymore.  I just wish I could pause it and stop for a second to catch my breath. However, you’ve got to keep up with it, appreciating as you go.

Anyway, I thought I’d check in with you all as it’s been a couple of months since my last post and I’ve had some things on my mind. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about comparison. I think it’s human nature to compare yourself to others, and in 2016 where you put your life online, it’s become that much easier to compare. Now I often hear people say that comparing yourself to what you see online is like comparing yourself to a highlights reel. That’s true. Not many people put their hardships online, and they don’t always show you everything they’ve put into getting their end product. Instead they put on their ‘best bits’ for people to see and commend. Of course it’s good to be happy for the success of others and to be proud of them for their achievements – but often you can’t help but compare yourself in a negative way. You worry that you’re not doing as well, or your life isn’t going the way it “should”. It’s so easy to forget that there is always more to the story, and the ‘behind the scenes’ shots may not be as glamorous.

Now in my experience at the present moment, I’m seeing couples move in together, get engaged, have children. I’m seeing people get their dream jobs. I’m seeing people travelling. I’m seeing them enjoying life. Yes – I’m comparing myself.  I’m thinking that I’m not doing this life thing correctly because everyone seems to have it together but me. However, when I think back to the times I felt more secure – I remember taking it for granted. I found other things to stress about, other parts of my life to negatively compare to others. It just seems to me that maybe, no matter how well your life goes perhaps you’ll always seek inadequacy. Perhaps you’ll never quite see how well you are doing in certain areas because in others you’re comparing yourself to people who are doing better.

Right now, I’m having a bit of a wobble. I’m comparing myself and I can feel that tug trying to pull me back to the place I was in last year. It is in this moment that I can do one of two things. I can let it consume me again, or I can keep going. I can look for my own highlights that I’m just not seeing because I’m blinded by the highlights of others in different areas of life. And I can stay focused on the behind the scenes work I need to put in in those areas I feel inadequate. Of course, I’m going to do the latter. Though I want to be quite transparent here – it’s not that easy. I spent all of yesterday laying down, crying my heart out and I’m sure I’ll have moments that I return to that. That’s okay. It’s always okay to let yourself feel sadness or any negative emotion you damn want. So long as you don’t let it consume you. Life is going to keep going, and it’s ticking by so fast. So feel the sadness, then take a breath, and keep working on creating your own highlights and appreciating the ones that are already there.

My 2016 Goals Update

Learn to Drive: I passed my theory test first time! I'm so grateful to have that out of the way and I'm so proud of myself for the hard work I put into that. I'm still having lessons and I have to say - I don't feel as confident here. I just don't seem to have a natural skill here and I'm finding it tough. I haven't killed anyone yet, or hurt the car in anyway - but my confidence isn't there. I'm hoping this comes with time and I'm going to continue to do my best.

Have 3 Memorable Moments: Nothing big to report on just yet. Though I am still keeping a note of all the little things that are making me smile this year. One of those being seeing my cousin's beautiful little baby again ^_^.

Read 20 Books: I really slowed down on this one. I'm struggling with the book I'm on at the minute and I've just not been making the time for books like I was at the beginning of the year. I think perhaps I'll begin a new book and try to make time at the end of the day for reading again. It really does help to calm my mind.

Find a Full Time Teaching Position: I've just finished at a school I was doing some long-term supply for and I feel like this experience will really help me in finding a full time position. I'm keeping an eye out for any posts for September - but nothing more to report here really.

Thanks for swinging by my blog, you adorable little sugar muffin. 

I hope some of my ramblings have made a little sense, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject of comparison. 

Keep working hard, you're doing better than you realise,

Kristi. 

<3

Post-Uni Blues & Hope For The Future.

Hello again,
It has been over a year since I've written a blog post here, and that thought seems so crazy for me! The past year has been a bit of a whirlwind. Uppy-downy-all over the placey. It honestly feels for me that it was just yesterday I was writing blogs and recording vlogs and loving every moment of my life. 2014 really was just a truly wonderful year for me. I was very happy throughout the majority of it. However, things changed. I'll touch on it briefly, but I want this post to be a positive one, and hopefully that is how it comes across.

Towards the end of 2014 I lost a lot. I was in a really bad place within myself, I had a lot of stress with university and on top of that I had some outside influences affecting a lot of the good left in my life. Going forward into 2015, I took all that with me. Now 2015 had some little pockets of joy - I graduated, I visited Amsterdam, I got to move back to see my dog every day - but it was also one of the hardest years. Those last few months at university were hard work. The combination of the toughest placement I'd been on with my dissertation and job applications meant that I just had no time to enjoy living there. It was just work, stress, work, stress, until finally, I graduated. The same day I graduated, I moved home. Moving home was nice at first, but it quickly became something I hated. I realised I have no friends left here, I instead spent every day by myself. I had no job to go to in September, and spent all my time stressing about what I could do. The rest of the year went by in another blur. The first part of the year was a busy blur, the second half was different. It was a blur of days spent in bed unable to move. A blur of crying and telling my loved ones how much I didn't want to be here. Telling them I didn't feel good enough. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Fear. Loneliness. Whenever I'd think I'd reached rock bottom, something else would happen and I'd fall even further.

I guess leaving university was the first time in my life where things were unsure. I was born. I went to school. I went to sixth form. I went to university. Then I didn't manage to secure the job I'd worked for and for the first time in my life I was lost. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going or if I was going to be okay. I don't think I'm the only one to feel that after university.

Towards the end of 2015 I decided that I could not go on like this anymore. I was hurting myself, and I'm sure I was upsetting and worrying those who care about me. So I forced myself to spend the new year with a friend to get myself off to a good start, and I made a list of resolutions. Now I know people often write resolutions and give up on them after the first month (if they even make it that far!) , but these resolutions are designed to get my life back on track and so far, it's going really well.

2016 Resolutions

- Learn to drive - I've been terrified of this for as long as I can remember! As of right now, I've had 2 lessons and they're going really well!
- Have three memorable moments - I've been writing down my little happy moments each month to reflect on, but with this goal I actually wanted to push myself to do some bigger things. I don't want my 2016 to go by in a blur like last year. I want to be able to say "Oh yes! 2016! That was the year I....". I will be going to see Busted later this year so I'll count that as one.
- Read 20 books - Normally, I read a lot. It relaxes me. I enjoy exploring new worlds and finding new characters to relate to. Last year, not including course material and children's books, I read five books. Most of which I read in that final month, when I began to realise I need to pull my life together. So far this year I've read four books. It's really helping me and I'd say I'm on track.
- Find a full time teaching position - At the minute, I do teach. However, it is not full time, it is not progressing me and I am not enjoying it. I need to get my NQT year done and I would like it if this year I could fix this. This is the scariest goal I feel as it a) has the most impact and b) is the most out of my control. I can apply for jobs and go to interview and do my very best, just as I did before, but I cannot make this happen all by myself. I have hope though.

So 2016 is my year of change. My year of self improvement. Really, my year of being selfish. I hate that word. "Selfish". However, I have realised just how important self care is, and I have really neglected that over the past year. So yes, this year I'm putting me first.

If my whole year works out as successfully as this first month has gone - I'll be one happy lady again. Here's hoping! Let me know if you have any new years resolutions and how they're going! :)

Wishing you all the very best 2016, and encouraging you all to make this year your very best year,
Kristi.
<3