It has been over a year since I've written a blog post here, and that thought seems so crazy for me! The past year has been a bit of a whirlwind. Uppy-downy-all over the placey. It honestly feels for me that it was just yesterday I was writing blogs and recording vlogs and loving every moment of my life. 2014 really was just a truly wonderful year for me. I was very happy throughout the majority of it. However, things changed. I'll touch on it briefly, but I want this post to be a positive one, and hopefully that is how it comes across.
Towards the end of 2014 I lost a lot. I was in a really bad place within myself, I had a lot of stress with university and on top of that I had some outside influences affecting a lot of the good left in my life. Going forward into 2015, I took all that with me. Now 2015 had some little pockets of joy - I graduated, I visited Amsterdam, I got to move back to see my dog every day - but it was also one of the hardest years. Those last few months at university were hard work. The combination of the toughest placement I'd been on with my dissertation and job applications meant that I just had no time to enjoy living there. It was just work, stress, work, stress, until finally, I graduated. The same day I graduated, I moved home. Moving home was nice at first, but it quickly became something I hated. I realised I have no friends left here, I instead spent every day by myself. I had no job to go to in September, and spent all my time stressing about what I could do. The rest of the year went by in another blur. The first part of the year was a busy blur, the second half was different. It was a blur of days spent in bed unable to move. A blur of crying and telling my loved ones how much I didn't want to be here. Telling them I didn't feel good enough. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Fear. Loneliness. Whenever I'd think I'd reached rock bottom, something else would happen and I'd fall even further.
I guess leaving university was the first time in my life where things were unsure. I was born. I went to school. I went to sixth form. I went to university. Then I didn't manage to secure the job I'd worked for and for the first time in my life I was lost. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going or if I was going to be okay. I don't think I'm the only one to feel that after university.
Towards the end of 2015 I decided that I could not go on like this anymore. I was hurting myself, and I'm sure I was upsetting and worrying those who care about me. So I forced myself to spend the new year with a friend to get myself off to a good start, and I made a list of resolutions. Now I know people often write resolutions and give up on them after the first month (if they even make it that far!) , but these resolutions are designed to get my life back on track and so far, it's going really well.
2016 Resolutions- Learn to drive - I've been terrified of this for as long as I can remember! As of right now, I've had 2 lessons and they're going really well!
- Have three memorable moments - I've been writing down my little happy moments each month to reflect on, but with this goal I actually wanted to push myself to do some bigger things. I don't want my 2016 to go by in a blur like last year. I want to be able to say "Oh yes! 2016! That was the year I....". I will be going to see Busted later this year so I'll count that as one.
- Read 20 books - Normally, I read a lot. It relaxes me. I enjoy exploring new worlds and finding new characters to relate to. Last year, not including course material and children's books, I read five books. Most of which I read in that final month, when I began to realise I need to pull my life together. So far this year I've read four books. It's really helping me and I'd say I'm on track.
- Find a full time teaching position - At the minute, I do teach. However, it is not full time, it is not progressing me and I am not enjoying it. I need to get my NQT year done and I would like it if this year I could fix this. This is the scariest goal I feel as it a) has the most impact and b) is the most out of my control. I can apply for jobs and go to interview and do my very best, just as I did before, but I cannot make this happen all by myself. I have hope though.
So 2016 is my year of change. My year of self improvement. Really, my year of being selfish. I hate that word. "Selfish". However, I have realised just how important self care is, and I have really neglected that over the past year. So yes, this year I'm putting me first.
If my whole year works out as successfully as this first month has gone - I'll be one happy lady again. Here's hoping! Let me know if you have any new years resolutions and how they're going! :)
Wishing you all the very best 2016, and encouraging you all to make this year your very best year,